Spam dissection – Episode 001

Welcome to Spam and SEO dissection episode 1!

Welcome one and all to the first episode of spam dissection where YOU yes the lucky reader get to read some of the every day crap that comes into both my contact forms box as well as the replies on some of my more popular threads . These spammers and “SEO Geniuses” are desperately trying to use my website as a means of pimping things like Russian brides, drugs, knock-off Chinese clothing and other things you normally find on the dark-net. Anyone who has ever had a mailto: link. Or on the receiving end of a contact form is more then familiar as to what is coming next. Now replies with just web-links will be discarded as there is nothing much to really say about it.

Disclaimer:

We just want to say that every real message we get on our contact forums and in no way would we openly mock messages in the public light. Many of the e-mails I will be presenting to you are blatant spam and chances are many other sites have received the same message. If you are a spammer which is somehow easily offended (does that even exist?) then you may want to stop reading right now. This article is a rant/vent article and should not be taken seriously. Public service announcement is now complete.

Enter when ready.

Contact form #1

From: seriousdesignbr(at)gmail(dot)com
Title: Question about site.

Original Message: Forgive me for reaching out through your contact form, but I thought it would be less intrusive than cold calling. I am a very skilled web developer that is looking for new projects/clients. I was just on your site and it\’s a nice site, but it could be amazing. I would really like to help you with it. Are you interested in redesigning the site or adding some features? I have a lot of ideas I\’d like to share with you. Let me know if you\’re interested in speaking and hearing some of my ideas as well as getting a proposal. I\’d really love to help with your site. Hope to hear from you soon. Thanks!

Cool huh? Lets break this down!

Forgive me for reaching out through your contact form, but I thought it would be less intrusive than cold calling.

So, you thought cold e-mailing would get you a better response? This statement would also make sense if I actually provided a contact number so you didn’t really have a choice in the matter!

I am a very skilled web developer that is looking for new projects/clients.

Are you now? Never guessed by your E-mail address. But please continue.

I was just on your site and it’s a nice site, but it could be amazing. I would really like to help you with it.

Vague compliment is vague. Could be amazing? And you want to help me with it? Great! So what’s your portfolio? Anything Mr. gmail.com?

Are you interested in redesigning the site or adding some features?

You see, if you actually read this website you would’ve found this article on how it’s already done. Might want to read my “nice” site before coming at me bro!

I have a lot of ideas I’d like to share with you.

Oooo! Let us guess those ideas! Maybe take credit for the design that I already spent %100 of the effort doing? Put banner ads all over the place and catch the social network wave of the future for sweet pay-for-click profits? Recommend other sites that you’re trying to sell to as well? Don’t forget about setting up that bank account in the Kaymen Isles with $1000 bucks right?

Let me know if you’re interested in speaking and hearing some of my ideas as well as getting a proposal. I’d really love to help with your site. Hope to hear from you soon. Thanks!

Nah,  not overly interested because we just guessed them all remember? Web designer bro leaves no website to visit any of his work. What a shame.

SEO Spam article response:

From: SEO(at)seorankblah.com
Subject: Improve your SEO!

Original message: Hello Web Admin, I noticed that your On-Page SEO is is missing a few factors, for one you do not use all three H tags in your post, also I notice that you are not using bold or italics properly in your SEO optimization. On-Page SEO means more now than ever since the new Google update: Panda. No longer are backlinks and simply pinging or sending out a RSS feed the key to getting Google PageRank or Alexa Rankings, You now NEED On-Page SEO. So what is good On-Page SEO?First your keyword must appear in the title.Then it must appear in the URL.You have to optimize your keyword and make sure that it has a nice keyword density of 3-5% in your article with relevant LSI (Latent Semantic Indexing). Then you should spread all H1,H2,H3 tags in your article.Your Keyword should appear in your first paragraph and in the last sentence of the page. You should have relevant usage of Bold and italics of your keyword.There should be one internal link to a page on your blog and you should have one image with an alt tag that has your keyword….wait there’s even more Now what if i told you there was a simple WordPress plugin that does all the On-Page SEO, and automatically for you? That’s right AUTOMATICALLY, just watch this 4minute video for more information at. Seo Plugin

Hoo-Boy! This is by far one of the most blasted spam messages that my WordPress site gets and many others obviously do as well. Well, lets have some fun and rip this to shreds!

Hello Web Admin,

How personal, you know, I think this person really knows me! How did they know that my first name is “Web” and last name was “Admin”? Maybe they don’t and just want to use cute nick names. I can do that too. Hello Robotic Spammer!

I noticed that your On-Page SEO is is missing a few factors, for one you do not use all three H tags in your post, also I notice that you are not using bold or italics properly in your SEO optimization.

You obviously aren’t checking hard enough. And search engines haven’t cared about bold and italics within a website since the early 2000 when geocities and angelfire roamed the earth.

On-Page SEO means more now than ever since the new Google update: Panda.

Oh robotic spammer, the people that programmed you obviously forgot all about you didn’t they? It’s the year 2016 and we don’t have google panda anymore. It’s penguin at the time of this posting. So go ahead and optimize all of the websites for Panda. No one will care.

And news update: Google PageRank is totally dead.

No longer are backlinks and simply pinging or sending out a RSS feed the key to getting Google PageRank or Alexa Rankings,

No way! My RSS feed was the bomb! And I even had some DHTML of Bill Clintons face falling down the screen like snowflakes. Darn! Next thing you’ll be telling me is my self-hosted Gopher and IRC service is doing me no good what-so-ever! Way to rain on my parade Robotic Spammer!

You now NEED On-Page SEO.

Oh shit! The Robot is showing Billy Mays style at me! If random people tell me that I need something then obviously I do! Shaming me to eat more pizzas. You bastard Spammer Robot!

So what is good On-Page SEO?First your keyword must appear in the title.Then it must appear in the URL.

Wait a minute, I’m confused. Are you trying to sell me On-Page SEO? Or are you trying to post a tutorial in the reply section of my blog? Make up your mind!

You have to optimize your keyword and make sure that it has a nice keyword density of 3-5% in your article with relevant LSI (Latent Semantic Indexing).

Aw snap! Someone broke out their marketing catch phrase of 2011 in brackets there! Latent Semantic Indexing just means that Google looks for words relevant to the post. Now that we’ve deflated that word the rest of this whole keyword density garbage is “No… No you don’t need to have keyword density. Just write dammit!”

Then you should spread all H1,H2,H3 tags in your article.

Just spread them around? Like butter? Put multiple H1’s all over the place? Then the rest of the heads in no order what-so-ever? I can do that, but that actually pisses off search engines even more!!!!

Your Keyword should appear in your first paragraph and in the last sentence of the page.

Or, better idea! You could write like a human being because in the future no one is going to care how many times you say the word ‘PoopTrain’ in order to get onto Google. Or maybe they would depending on how good your story is. Hmm.

You should have relevant usage of Bold and italics of your keyword.

PoopTrain” it is then?

There should be one internal link to a page on your blog and you should have one image with an alt tag that has your keyword

I could put up pictures of kittens and it really does not matter so like as I describe the image as “PoopTrain” somewhere on the alt tag it really doesn’t matter about the content of the image. Got it!

….wait there’s even more

???you like putting punctuation at the beginning of your sentences like me huh !!!!that’s cool !!! i like poorly quoting billy mays to strangers too

Now what if i told you there was a simple WordPress plugin that does all the On-Page SEO, and automatically for you?

I’d break up with you, throw the Xbox One out the window as a social message about how much you care about other machines then my own well being. Mix cassette tapes of thrasher death metal music and send them to your moms address as a constant reminder of how I remembered the good days when you didn’t call me a naked stalker roaming around in your back yard garden.

What? It’s a completely rational response. Don’t look at me like that.

 

That’s right AUTOMATICALLY,

 

Ahhhhh! There you go with the shouting again! What you’re talking about is Voodoo son. There is no automatic when you blog, only stick shift.

 

just watch this 4minute video for more information at. Seo Plugin

Huh? Where’s this 4 minute video? the message ends right there! They could’ve put in a link like everyone else. But nope! You have to watch a video that doesn’t exist because 2011 SEO bot says so! I wonder if the 4 minute video has awkward sentence pauses and random word shouting just like this replay/tutorial/what-the-hell message this is.

Anyhow, I had fun…. That’s what server says.

END OF LINE+++

 

 

 

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